A little background information. My boyfriend and I met in May of 2008, didn't start dating until August. I literally moved out of my ex-boyfriends house, and move into my now boyfriend's house the next day. I was madly in love. It was the most amazing relationship I could have asked for. We were best friends. I was on cloud nine.
 |
| September 2008 |
Skip forward not even two months later. We were still in the midst of our honeymoon stage. And then, I missed my period. It didn't really phase me too much, I had bouts of time when I didn't have my period due to weight loss. I had just lost about 15 pounds, so I assumed it could have been that. But, to be cautious, I took a pregnancy test. October 6th, 2008, I found out I was pregnant..
My life came crashing down around me. I was not even close to the point where I could be financially stable, I was still in school, and I still wanted to be a kid! My byfriend and I had been together for two months! We were both lost. I was more so than him. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that abortion didn't cross my mind multiple times. And I believe if it weren't for my boyfriend's love and support, I may have gone through with it. It's a horrible thing to think about, but that was reality.
I had already dealt with mental issues before this happened, now, I lost my mind. I felt like my life was over. But, I had accepted the fact that I was pregnant, and soon began to welcome the idea of having a baby.
It's an amazing thing, what happens to you when you become a parent. The love you feel for your child is an overwhelming emotion. You are scared, excited, anxious, all at the same time. But love conquers all. And after 14 hours labor, I saw my son for the first time. And all was right in the world. For the moment.
 |
| Moments after coming out of my womb. |
I knew I was going to have postpartum depression. I just didn't want to think about it. And then it came. And I had to think about it. I feel like a horrible person for the things that I've thought. No, I haven't thought about killing my baby, or even remotely hurting my baby, but it was other things. Thinking about what life was like before I had the baby. How much easier life was. How I wasn't a kid anymore, how life wasn't fair. How I would have done things differently if I could do it again. The two months of heaven I had with my boyfriend kept running through my mind. It made me angry that this happened to us, and so on and so on. How could I wish those things? I start bawling just thinking about it. And there are still times, when I DO think those things.
I've been to the doctor, off and on. The only anti-depressant that I have found to be effective is my son. At the end of the day, no matter how much life sucks, he is always there for me. I will openly admit I am in the biggest rut of my life. On the outside, I seem relatively normal. On the inside, I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I can think logically, and use common sense to cure my depression. Go to the doctor, talk about my problems, take the pills. I'm still working on not being so cynical about it. Or, I could just live through it everyday and pretend like it's just going to get better on it's own. Which, it probably won't.
I guess the point of this blog is, I feel obligated to hide my depression around my son. He is an innocent, perfect, beautiful creature who doesn't deserve misery at such a young age, or ever for that matter. If I had my way, I wouldn't work, I wouldn't go to school, I would lay in bed all day and eat Cheetos. But, the sane part of my brain, however small of a part that may be, knows better. I do this for my son. Even if I am suffering, I don't feel like my son needs to. And hopefully, I will find a way that works for me to cure my depression. I wish someone had an easy answer. But I know there's no easy answer. I must look for one on my own.
No comments:
Post a Comment